Connections

If you’ve ever heard the “typical” autism story, you will already be aware that many have said that people on the spectrum are not emotional, they don’t connect with people - they just keep to themselves.

 I think this is where people are totally wrong.  People on the autism spectrum (no matter which end they are at) totally have meaningful connections with many people. However, they can be different and certainly may not appear that they do if you are looking at a person through the lens of a neuro-typical person.

 I have been involved in many autism programs and talked to so many parents over the years who get hyper-focused on the “speech” element of autism.  They think that if a person cannot hold a verbal conversation then there may be no hope for them to be able to function adequately in the world. I am here to tell you that that’s wrong.

 If you ask a speech pathologist, I am sure they will tell you that many other things happen before speech actually takes place.  If you consider a baby, do they communicate?  Yes, they cry, they make noise, they may move their body if they can. You can also tell by facial expressions and gazes what they may be wanting or needing in any given moment.  These are meaningful connections that in the realm of a typical person eventually blend into gestures then speech and everything in between.  

 For those on the autism spectrum, sometimes the beginning things didn’t happen or they may be happening at a much slower rate than you’d expect. Sometimes steps are actually missed.  I remember one professional asking me how our son crawled - forward or backwards.  Apparently he had missed a step of what was to come before walking.  

 That doesn’t mean that the relationship or the connection they share with people is not meaningful.  In fact, sometimes many people talk so much that you have to tune them out because they are saying too many words for your brain to comprehend.  This could be people who are on the spectrum or not.  My daughter who is on the spectrum can get into explaining the minutest details of many things.  She retains such specific information on anything she is interested in and can talk about it endlessly. She will still be talking long after I have tuned out. But since she is on the spectrum, I usually give her the space and time to finish her thoughts.

 Some of the connections I personally experience are glances - sometimes just to share a smile or laugh and sometimes it may be to gauge what the other persons mood is.  I also experience gestures like touching an arm or putting your leg over someone else’s leg when you are sitting and relaxing.  I see many things through non-verbal communication like body language and being very upset or happy.  Also, I see many different feelings come out just from facial expressions and movement.  It’s amazing how you can tell a person’s mood just by looking at their face and body.

I find many connections with my children are through activities - doing something we both enjoy together and sharing those moments of pure happiness and fulfillment from the activity.  With my daughter, I share a love of being creative through different art mediums - some of which she has taught me.  With my son, we share a love of photography and musicals.  With both of my children, I feel a strong bond and connection when we participate in these things together.

 See connections are not necessarily about the words you say, they may be actually about the things that you do not say.  

 God wants us to make connections with others as we need others to share our lives with.  He wants us to show love towards one another.  

 1 John 4, says,

“Dear friends, let us love one another for love comes from God. 
Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.”

 I hope we can all show love to everyone, no matter what the circumstances, as it is commanded by God.

Shelly Wedge
Exceptional Family Ministries Coordinator
Amberlea Church

Peace And Quiet

The importance of peace and quiet cannot be described.  Our daily lives seem so busy - running from one thing to another, getting home, making dinner, cleaning up and then just trying to have a little “down-time” before bed. When we are trying to sleep, sometimes we are thinking of tomorrow's “to do” list and it’s hard for our brain to shut off.  It’s no wonder that a lot of people are anxious and stressed!

For people with autism, you have to times everything by 100 because that’s the way they feel things in their bodies and their minds. If you are anxious, they feel it way more and this can affect their mood and behavior. When you live with autism, you crave every little bit of those peaceful moments.  You savor them, you cherish them and when you are in the midst of a storm, you hold onto them imagining when they will come again. It’s hard to deal with the tumultuous moments when you feel anxious and stressed. 

I find that with both of my children, they crave the quiet moments. They want to feel good.  They want to be regulated, but they have different coping mechanisms to make this happen.   Even if they are having a rough time or day, they want to feel peace and they are constantly working towards that in their own way.  For our daughter, it’s completely shutting everyone out of her personal space.  She either won’t respond, or she will say that she needs to be alone for awhile and not to bother her.  This could take anywhere from an hour to an entire evening.  It depends on what has been going on in her day.

For our son, it can be a commotion of noise and lots of dialogue while trying to get a handle on his emotions so that he can get back to the “peaceful moment”. He also has times where he can regulate within a few minutes to sometimes it taking hours.  

As a parent, when you are dealing with such emotions, it can stress and drain you even more and you have to have your own coping strategies so that you can be a support system while this is happening. 

Although there are two totally different reactions, the ultimate goal is to be able to self-regulate and get back to the peaceful and quiet state.

In the Bible, it talks about “peace like a river”  in Isaiah 66:12a  

“For this is what the Lord says: “I will extend peace to her like a river…”

It’s interesting that these things are paired together because when you think of a river flowing or listen to the sound of waves lapping, you automatically feel stress release from your body.  Nature is a great way to achieve these moments and it’s in God’s creation that we can find our moments. Imagine walking in the woods or hiking up a mountain or listening to the rain. These are truly gifts from God!

Shelly Wedge
Exceptional Family Ministries Coordinator
Amberlea Church

Connecting Through Passions

We all connect with people in different ways and through our different experiences.  When you live with someone on the autism spectrum, you sometimes have to think out of the box for ways to connect with them in a meaningful way.  This is something that I previously struggled with in our family.  

For our son, I really had to expose him to many things to find out where his interests lie.  I was pleasantly surprised with what I found.  I found out that we both had a lot in common.  When he first started high school, he had recently discovered an interest in photography.  He had taken some on-line classes during Covid and had won a professional camera.  At first when I was trying to help him figure things out, I was just doing it for him.  The more he progressed with a few courses at school, the more I became interested in this as well.  Every time we figured out something new, I got excited and wanted to learn more about it with him.  I remember one of his classes, it was the middle of winter and we had to go outside so that he could shoot photos at a certain speed.  We brought the tripod and trudged through the snow to a main street and set up all the equipment and set the camera to the proper speed.  It was a lot of fun and an experience that I will never forget.

What I discovered was a shared passion.  Sometimes, we don’t have a lot of time to spend taking pictures, but when we do I not only look forward to spending time together but developing a strong connection.  The other day we went for a drive and just stopped and took random pictures.  It was such a great way to connect with each other.  We are trying to turn this passion into a small business for him so this summer we are taking the time to create beautiful products like hats, t-shirts, prints etc so that he can continue to explore this passion and work towards developing more self-confidence and his future.  

I feel so honoured to be by his side, not only helping him, but enjoying the process of everything he is doing.  I believe that God has blessed us with this opportunity of working together.

As for my daughter, we also connect artistically.  She has taught me how to do some jewellery making and I sit with her sometimes and am just in awe of her talent.  She is so creative and makes her own jewellery, designs for just about anything and she can make her own patterns and sew clothing.  Although we don’t connect as much due to our schedules, we still have a shared passion for creativity and I appreciate her talents so very much.  I try to spend  time with her whenever I can. I love the way her mind works.

God has blessed us with our children and the differences that the world perceives can actually be a blessing in disguise.  

Psalms 112:2 says,  “Their children will be successful everywhere: an entire generation of godly people will be blessed.”

I am grateful to God for both of my children and I will continue to help them develop into the people that God has intended them to be.

Shelly Wedge
Exceptional Family Ministry Coordinator
Amberlea Church